They asked me ‘Are you sitting down? Right? This is Universal Lotteries’, they said. ‘You’ve won the top prize, the Ultra-super Global Special.
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The Telephone Call - Fleur Adcock 「Lyrics」
They asked me ‘Are you sitting down? Right? This is Universal Lotteries’, they said. ‘You’ve won the top prize, the Ultra-super Global Special. What would you do with a million pounds? Or, actually, with more than a million – not that it makes a lot of difference once you’re a millionaire.’ And they laughed.
‘Are you OK?’ they asked – ‘Still there? Come on, now, tell us, how does it feel?’ I said ‘I just…I can’t believe it!’ They said ‘That’s what they all say.
What else? Go on, tell us about it.’ I said ‘I feel the top of my head has floated off, out through the window, revolving like a flying saucer.’ ‘That’s unusual’ they said. ‘Go on.’ I said ‘I’m finding it hard to talk. My throat’s gone dry, my nose is tingling. I think I’m going to sneeze – or cry.’ ‘That’s right’ they said, ‘don’t be ashamed of giving way to your emotions. It isn’t every day you hear you’re going to get a million pounds.
Relax, now, have a little cry;
we’ll give you a moment…’ ‘Hang on!’ I said. ‘I haven’t bought a lottery ticket for years and years. And what did you say the company’s called?’ They laughed again. ‘Not to worry about a ticket. We’re Universal. We operate A retrospective Chances Module.
Nearly everyone’s bought a ticket in some lottery or another, once at least. We buy up the files, feed the names into our computer, and see who the lucky person is.’ ‘Well, that’s incredible’ I said.
‘It’s marvelous. I still can’t quite… I’ll believe it when I see the cheque.’ ‘Oh,’ they said, ‘there’s no cheque.’ ‘But the money?’ ‘We don’t deal in money. Experiences are what we deal in. You’ve had a great experience, right? Exciting? Something you’ll remember? That’s your prize. So congratulations from all of us at Universal. Have a nice day!’ And the line went dead.
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